Saturday, March 7, 2009

Dropping Shopping

It was a beautiful day in San Diego today, so Kelly and I decided to go to Fashion Valley (not Fashion Place) mall and roam around. Of course, The Bai went along. I was reminded of how different it is to shop with a baby - especially a very mobile baby. However, I decided it wasn't having Bai with us that was was the shopping itself. I sometimes wonder if I don't have masochistic tendencies. Going shopping is not fun. Even when I'm buying stuff, it isn't fun. So, why do I find myself doing it again and again and again? I honestly don't know. This is what I think about shopping:

1. Only when I'm in a hurry and don't have money do I find exactly what I want.
When I have money and time, I couldn't find something if my life depended on it.

2. The mirrors in dressing rooms should dispense Valium. By the time I exit I'm
ready to perform lipo on myself, without anesthesia. I don't deserve it. And,
must they have lights that turn my skin green and show every wrinkle????


3. There is NO shoe comfortable enough to withstand 5 hours of shopping. So, do I
go comfortable (sorta) and frumpy or stylish and screaming? Frumpy has been
winning. And, by the way, who does wear those 5" heels? Lindsay does.

4. Today I saw some mannequins in a storefront that had to be size -0. No kidding.
There wouldn't be room for a kidney if they were real. Who in h--- wears those
sizes? Show me a size 14 in the window and I might go in and actually buy
something because I feeling svelte.

5. Sales clerks either stalk you or treat you like you don't deserve their
attention. That might have something to do with the frumpy shoes.

6. No matter how much I love something when I buy it, by the time I've pulled in
my driveway I've convinced myself that I would embarrass myself and my entire
family if I ever wore it.

7. Today I was trying on bras. Humiliating enough as it is. Then, a sales
clerk knocks on the door and asks if she can come it to check the size. WHAT??
I almost hung myself trying to get on a bra before she stepped in and saw what
even I don't look at in the daylight. Is nothing sacred?

8. When will they start making petite clothing that can be worn by anyone younger
than 75? I thought Gloria Vanderbilt died.

9. I won't even start on bathing suits.

10. Have you ever noticed that you have to add a couple of miles onto your shopping
route just to access the elevators when you have a baby in a stroller? I imagine
men were the architects. And, of course, once you find one, it's filled with
everyone except those who have strollers or wheelchairs.

11. How about teenagers at the mall??? They travel in herds and delight in throwing
stuff onto poor unsuspecting souls on the lower levels. It's real funny. And,
they act like.....well, they act like TEENAGERS!

12. Everything in stores should be computerized. If I choose to shop at a particular
store, then it is the store's responsibility to keep track of what I bought. It's
absurd to think that I should keep track of a receipt the size of a post-it note.

13. Statistically, there are more homicides in mall parking lots that anywhere else.
I, myself, have contributed to those statistics. I'm sorry, but women are the
worst. Is is really necessary to call everyone you know, put on your make-up,
polish you nails, and clean your teeth before giving up that sacred parking spot?
Apparently so.

14. One good thing about shopping and not finding anything is that you don't have
to worry about dislocating your shoulder hauling all the packages. When we
shop with Bailey, her stroller looks like a traveling refuge camp. It's filled
with everything except Bailey, who has been left to roam around and steal other
kids' binkies.

15. Last, but not least, is, whose idea was it to place FOOD COURTS in every mall?
I either eat before I shop and can't fit into anything smaller than a size 20 or
I'm so depressed after I shop that I stop by for a little chubby girl pick-me-
up. I think it's a conspiracy. They want us to buy clothes in 4 different
sizes. It's all about the money.

Note: All the above are null and void IF there's a great sale!!


  1. I love these and they are all so true. Not to mention, great advertising for Lindz at the end of the post! You can not forget, the mall is the best place to people watch. The entire mall is on your team. I feel like after a day of shopping you either have the lowest self- esteem from the lack of success and ability to fit into anything over a size "0" or the highest self-esteem because you have a full set of teeth and enough diginity to cover up what shouldn't be shown to the rest of the world.

  2. Amen sister. #1 is totally true. I've been living #2 trying to find jeans. It doesn't help that the minute I weaned Ryan I gained 5 solid lbs all in my gut. #5 is a total pet peeve of mine. I'm learning to accept the help because I always come out loving what I get when I have a lot of help. I HATE stores where the salesgirls act like I am not cool enough to shop there. I refuse to shop stores like that. #12 is so important. This is why I love Gap and Nordstrom. Finally! Love this post.